EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
