if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
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