You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
