Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
