I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
