When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
