guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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