dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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