____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
