My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
