my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize