what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
