Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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