Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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