i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
