I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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