You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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