he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
