I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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