he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
