Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
