so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
