I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
