Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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