Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
