Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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