no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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