Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Randomize
