i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
