woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
