so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
