I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
