I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
the liver wants what the liver wants
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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