I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
