I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
