i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
