I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
