is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
