dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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