We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
