I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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