Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
