I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
