omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
