I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
