matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
