I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
