shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
