Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
