he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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