he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
